I was brought up in an abusive home. It’s always been said that you marry your Dad. I guess I did in both marriages. I didn’t leave my first husband because of my daughter. I can’t leave my present husband because everything within the house is mine (the home included). He says he will make my life a living hell if I try to divorce him. I live with emotional abuse daily.
Just a little background here. My daughter and I made it fine on our own with just my money before I married this man. Now, all money is gone because he drinks and smokes the paychecks up. My daughter and I will almost do without food (and I will) at times because he has went and bought beer and I won’t bounce a check. He says (the functioning alcoholic, he is) that beer fills him up so he doesn’t have to eat. That is his food. Whatever, I’ve just had it.
He tells me daily the hell that I put him through. That I spend all of his money. He screams at me telling me that he is just a paycheck to me. I beg this man to leave. I’ve offered to pay him a large amount of money to leave, he won’t go. He tells me how arrogant I am by wanting a birthday party for my daughter. This is not done in nice words, this is done in fits of anger and drunkenness. He bought a 30 pack of beer on Thursday and needed another 30 pack on Saturday.
He says I’m a “B” word for not buying him steaks. I can’t afford steaks. I honestly can’t. I buy the cheapest protein I can so that I can give it to my daughter. I make sure she has vegetables. I make sure SHE has nourishment. I can’t afford his high priced ways.
He controls every aspect of my life. After he’s berated me verbally, he tells me exactly what I am allowed to do and HOW I should do it. He criticizes the way I talk, because I’m Baptist and believe in God, he criticizes my parenting. He overrules whatever I ask my daughter to do. He talks to my daughter behind my back about me. My daughter tells me, sometimes I can hear. He calls me ugly names, ugly and that is to my daughter. He constantly says that I’m cheating on him and doing “specific” acts with men.
My husband hasn’t touched me in over two years. I don’t miss it. I really don’t. I’m so tired of the emotional abuse within the marriage that I don’t want to TOUCH him. The effects of emotional abuse after so many years of it has just been awful on me. I’m a nervous wreck and I double check every word that I let come out of my mouth. I never say anything without saying it twice.
I tell everyone how great he is. What a great provider. How well he takes care of us. None of my friends read this blog. Quite honestly though, no one really likes him. He put on a good game face when we met, but he is acts like he knows everything. He has cut me off from everyone I know.
Sometimes, I just have to let things out. Today was a very hard day. Living in an abusive home is very hard.